Boiling crabs to death; don’t be squeamish!

A couple of recent articles dated December 23, 2009 in the Taste section of the Honolulu Advertiser were truly gruesome, brutal, and stomach turning; they were about how to prepare live crabs for eating. They contained horrifyingly graphic and detailed explanations of how to kill a crab, how to cook it, how to break its legs, crack off its back, etc. These articles were shocking – the writer advises, “Boiling crabs isn't difficult. And don't be squeamish. Unless you're a vegetarian, something always dies for your dinner.”

Well, at least the writer was being honest. But usually the killing of the animal for our dinner takes place in some far away place, allowing the diner to fantasize that the dead cow or other creature on their plate happily gave up its life in a painless way to satisfy our desire to eat meat (this is if we think about where dinner came from at all). But in this article, the reader is invited to actually do the killing deed themselves, and in this case, it is not so much killing as torture, read on for the instructions on how to torture a crab by boiling it to death:

Boiling a Live Crab

Cook the crab as soon as possible after purchase; if there's any delay, keep chilled. Fill a very large soup kettle with 2 gallons cold water, throw in 4-5 tablespoons of kosher or Hawaiian salt and bring to a full rolling boil. Using long barbecue tongs, grasp the crab by its rear end, or its body from the rear and plunge it face-first into the water. Bring the water back to a gentle boil and begin to count cooking time: 8-10 minutes for small crabs, 15-20 minutes for larger. Dungeness, at about 2 pounds each, are typical of larger crabs. Using tongs, pull the crab from the water and immediately plunge into a sink full of iced water to stop the cooking. When they're cold, drain them well, crack and clean them."

So, first you keep the live creature in chilled water, then you grab it by the rear end and throw it face first into boiling water, then “gently” boil it for between 8 – 20 minutes depending on its' size. This process sounds rather like a medieval torture. However, with medieval torture there was always the possibility that if the suspected witch or heretic confessed they would be killed quickly, but here, there is no mercy shown, the crab is “gently” boiled to death no matter what it does.

When I was a boy my father had a boat. We would get together with his other boating friends and have lunch on the water. One time they were cooking a crab. After about five minutes of “gentle” boiling, the crab made a dash for life and freedom; but its efforts were in vain. The cook with great merriment slapped the crab back into the pot and firmly put the lid back on much to the amusement and laughter from the assembled and rather inebriated crowd, who subsequently enjoyed munching on the crab for lunch. The author goes on to share her “caveman technique” for ripping the exterior skeleton off a crab to prepare a “decadent” holiday meal. Read on for detailed instructions on how to be a caveman:

Here's how to crack a steamed or boiled Dungeness crab.

  1. Twist off the legs. Set aside.
  2. On the underside, find the triangular "tail" or flap, hook a finger under and pull off.
  3. Slip thumb into tail crevice, grasp firmly with other hand and pull top shell away from bottom.
  4. Inside top shell, scrape out and retain yellowish-green "miso" or "butter" and its liquid. These are the crab's internal organs and are considered the "foie gras of the sea," salty and rich... Remove and discard the ridged gills. Dark brown stomach lining can be discarded, or dipped in tempura batter for a pupu.
  5. Place bottom of crab with back end to you. With fingers, crack open cartilage and delicately pry out meat from back to front, first encountering the large pieces of jumbo lump, then the lump and, finally, the bits of white meat. Pick carefully through meat to find and discard all cartilage . Try not to break up meat any more than necessary. A slim knife or nut pick can be helpful.
  6. With the back of a Chinese cleaver, whack the largest segment of the crab leg crosswise to crack it open. Gently pry out leg meat, keeping it whole, if possible. With cleaver, crack second joint lengthwise. Use the pointed tip of the third segment to dig the meat out of the narrow second joint.

"The claws are like the dark meat of the turkey, richer in flavor. The lump meat is like the white meat," Guzman said. So, to summarize the caveman process, twist off the legs, stick your finger up its' butt, rip off its back. Then, very carefully, save its guts and assorted innards as that is the tastiest bit! Oh, and the stomach lining can be used for pupus. Then using a huge cleaver, whack the crabs leg to crack them open and then dig out the meat of the joint.

I am sure if I had not included the full graphic detail you would think I was making this up, but unfortunately, no, I am not making any of this up.